Originally appeared in The Orlando Sentinel, Jan. 8, 2019.

Dr. Freud: Come in, come in, Mr. and Mrs. Party. Marriage counseling is a significant step. I hope I can help.

Rep: It’s nice to meet you Dr. Freud. My name is Republican, but my friends call me Rep, and this is my wife, Democrat.

Demi: Call me Demi. All my friends do.

Dr. Freud: Okay, Rep and Demi. What seems to be the problem?

Demi: Well, I guess we’ll get right to it. We’re not rich people, and 95 percent of our money goes to the basics – you know, mortgage, groceries, etc. – yet my husband wants to take a lot of our free money to build a big fence around our yard.

Rep: Not the whole yard, dear. Just the southern part.

Demi: Yes, yes, the southern part – but that will eat up our free spending money for months, and I’m angry. My mother’s getting older and could use help. Our kids are in college. I’m not opposed to a wall, per se, but it seems like a colossal waste of our limited funds. And if we’re only fencing the south, can’t people still get to the house from the north? Or, for that matter, can’t they just get a ladder or dig a hole?

Rep: I’m not saying the wall is a perfect solution, Dr. Freud. It’s a matter of security. We have great neighbors, but it only takes one evil guy to walk across town and kill my family in their sleep. You can’t put a price on peace of mind.

Rep and Demi together: I just don’t understand why this is so important to her/him.

Dr. Freud: Yes, yes. It’s not about the wall.

Rep: I told her I planned to build a wall when we bought the house.

Demi: He did, but he also said our neighbors would pay for it. Plus, honestly, I knew he intended to build a wall but didn’t think he’d actually do it.

Dr. Freud: Yes, it’s not about the wall.

Rep. and Demi together: How can he/she be so stupid?

Dr. Freud: It’s not about the wall.

Rep: I don’t think you’re listening. Demi and I have gone over and over this. We can’t “agree to disagree” because contracts need signed. You tell us. Wall or no wall? You don’t have to say one of us is right – just tell us what we should do.

Dr. Freud sighs: Repeating marital arguments are rarely about the topic at hand. You don’t argue about where you’ll spend Christmas, you argue about which family should receive your time. You don’t argue about toilet paper hanging up or down, you argue about power in the relationship and whose childhood traditions should endure. This wall argument is not about the wall.

Demi: Well, then, what’s it about?

Dr. Freud: Rep’s fear of mysterious killers is clearly greater than yours, Demi. And Demi’s need to help her mother and children may be greater than yours, Rep. Neither need is unreasonable. But for some reason, you’ve both dug in. Is there a cheaper option other than a wall, Rep, such as a big dog or surveillance cameras? And Demi, even if the chances of death-by-stranger are miniscule, there’s still a chance. Surely you don’t want an unlocked door open to any stranger who stumbles by, do you?

Demi: No, no, I agree that we have to keep our home secure. I just want to make decisions that balance fear with the actual chance of a problem.

Rep: A camera won’t stop a killer, and dogs are a lot of work.

Demi: But don’t forget ladders, holes and that open northern border. A wall isn’t perfect either.

Dr. Freud: It’s not about the wall, but you’ve both solidified positions and offered no space for compromise, but I see it’s the end of our first session. I have an assignment for you.

Rep, I want you to talk about your security fears and security costs. And Demi, I want you to acknowledge Rep’s feelings, and I want both of you to think outside the box. Forget about the wall. Talk about fears; talk about options; talk about costs; talk about the way this issue fits with other aspects of your life.

If you continue to make it about the wall, your marriage may not survive. This isn’t a homecoming game with clear winners and losers. This is life, which can be confusing, muddy and difficult.

Demi: So you think we have a chance, doctor?

Dr. Freud: There’s always a chance – but only if you seek solutions rather than victories. © 2019 SmithTakes