My adult daughter, a child of divorce, wants to know the secret of lifelong wedded bliss. How, she wonders, can she avoid divorce and have “I do” last until one spouse dies of very old age.

As one half of the divorce that impacted my daughter, I don’t feel qualified to give advice. But this is my daughter. Giving advice is what I do.

The following list isn’t all-inclusive. It doesn’t take into account different religions, liberals marrying conservatives, okay-but-not-great sex or a million tiny variables that, 20 years down the road, drive you up the wall.

In fact, my list has only three bits of daughterly advice, but they’re big ones:

1. Be as devoted to the institution of marriage as you are to the groom
2. Identify the holes the groom is trying to fill – and your own as well
3. Change

Marriage devotion

This is the simple one. Dating is easy when you have three hours to get ready and two jokes primed to go. You hear an interesting story at noon and make a mental note to share it; you buy a sidewalk trinket that “reminded me of you”; you spend an entire Saturday naked in a bedroom because you can’t think of a single place you’d rather be.

But eventually the rest of the world creeps in. When we haven’t heard from you for an entire Saturday, we call. We remind you that we love you, that we’re your father or sister or best friend. When you announce your engagement, we bring out the big guns. Wedding planning not only gives outsiders permission to intrude, it short-circuits the getting-to-know-you process until it’s too late to turn back.

A few seconds later (years), you have two jobs, three kids and a house. “Time together” means working hard all week to free up five hours on a Saturday night – and even then you want to spend time with the kids because you know they grow up painfully fast.

The next day (years), you think: “This is my life? I haven’t traveled. I’m going to die one day. I’d want the excitement of new-person sex. I never got that Porsche.” You don’t dislike your spouse; in fact, you love him. It’s the chugga-chugga-chugga routine of life you hate, and you can’t quite separate this specific husband from the general parts you hate.

Now devotion to the institution of marriage kicks in. This is when you have to say, “I trust this guy. He’s doing right by us. I know he’s as frustrated as I am sometimes, but we’ll get through this if we honor our commitment.” And you will.

Old age is much sweeter when the person holding your hand has been there “for better or for worse” 50-plus years.

Find the hole

It’s tempting to lead with something about assholes here, so I did, and to use a joke that somehow links “hole” to “vagina” when I get to the woman part. But I won’t.

In this case, a “hole” is a personal need that must be filled.

Some people have many holes. Why are we here? Am I worthy? I’m too something – insecure/ugly/poor. It could be a passion that steals energy from a marriage, such as a ballerina for her art or a politician for his career.

There’s nothing wrong with holes. They’re universal, even with secure adults, and good ones give meaning to life. But three hole-related situations impact marital happiness:

• Does the groom (or bride) have a hole they refuse to fill?
  Mommy issues? Insecurities fought using lies or anger to avoid pain? Contrary to popular opinion, alcohol is a solution. It’s not a good solution, but it is a solution, at least short term. So are drugs, mind games, abuse and rationalization. Affairs, gambling, spending problems – all can be ways to fill a hole at least today. But short-term hole fillers create other holes.

• Does the groom have a hole marriage will fill?
  If so, tread carefully. A man (or woman) who needs reinforcement can get testy if that reinforcement stops or slows. (Reread the earlier part about no free time once you’re three-kids in.) At first, you might be happy to stroke his ego because you love him; it’s no big deal. But as personal time slips away, you do less, he feels worse and problems arise.

• What holes do you need filled?
  A need-this-filled hole isn’t necessarily a deal breaker. A man and a woman who long for traditional sex roles in marriage, for example, could actually be extremely happy because they simultaneously fill each other’s holes. It doesn’t matter if other people roll their eyes when the husband makes major decisions solo as the wife coos. It’s their marriage; it’s their call. Not all happy marriages look alike.

Expect change

Going with the traditional roles above, what happens after 20 years when the cooing wife suddenly embraces feminism and demands equality? Answer: One spouse changes, they both do, or they divorce.

High school or college sweethearts often break up because situations change. A relationship that worked under “this condition” doesn’t under “that condition.” The cheerleader might have lost status when she unleashed her brain and majored in biochemistry. The high school quarterback may break a leg and become just another university freshman. College graduates could be offered great jobs in towns 500 miles apart – jobs they feel they simply can’t turn down at this career-formative time of life.

Unpopular changes must be faced. In some marriages, one spouse might always give in with regrets. In others, each may give at different times. In a happy marriage, it doesn’t matter how it works, only that neither partner holds it against the other – that they both keep each other’s feeling at the forefront and move forward as a single unit.

“What’s best for the us” has to drive every decision. “What’s best for me” is simply one variable.

Hard decisions test marriages. But, over the long term, they also make marriages stronger.

© 2015 SmithTakes.com