Steve and Linda just returned from a two-week Italian holiday: Four days in Rome, four in Venice, and a scattered duo of days at B&Bs in Tuscany and other parts of the Italian countryside. They ate amazing food, drank amazing wine and danced the night away.

And they brought back photos. Here’s the Coliseum at night. Here’s Linda in front of Trevi Fountain. Here’s a pic of the food we had in Venice.

Screw ‘em, say parents Burt and June as they empty poop pails and walk the floor with colicky children. They’d kill to take a great vacation. After Steve and Linda depart, Burt does a quick calculation: We make roughly the same amount of money as Steve and Linda. There by the grace of God go we – minus these children that we love.

That’s comforting. It’s comforting to know that people who choose to have kids sometimes regret the decision; and it’s comforting to know that Steve and Linda will one day be old and realize they have nothing to pass down.

The should-I or should-I-not have children question doesn’t have a solid answer. Each couple will regret either decision more than once.

I don’t mean parents will ever regret their children. Even at my angriest – and the best kids test the calmest adult’s patience – I never wished them away. I can’t entertain the possibility of life without them. But I do regret the life I lost – the vacations, the dinners at nice restaurants, the free time to do me things.

With kids, “going out to dinner” means McDonald’s dollar menu, and the joy of “going out” is the convenience of the time you’ve saved not cooking or doing dishes – not the cuisine. With kids, you plan ahead to have spontaneous sex.

As for vacations, parents have none. Those with a bit of extra money can travel, but it’s not a vacation. Half the household chores – cleaning kids, feeding kids, yelling at kids – follows you to the ends of the earth, the ultimate Catch-22. It’s not a family vacation if you don’t take the kids because you love them and want to spend time with them. But if you take them along, it’s more work than vacation.

But childless people miss out too. As we age, the cycle of life continues and families stick together. I’ll have faces to look into when I die. And kids keep adults grounded by reminding them of the important things: the vastness of the Grand Canyon, they awesomeness of a dewdrop, the beauty of a snake’s skin, and the meaning of “I love you.”

Wanting children is like collecting stamps. Some people love it. Some people hate it. Neither group is right or wrong, and neither group understands the other’s position.

The ideal solution? Children that completely disappear every other weekend and one full week during the summer. I don’t mean babysitters. With babysitters, parents still worry. I mean the kids literally disappear and you forget they exist.

But perfect worlds don’t exist.

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