Researchers at the University of the Phoenix spent a decade studying white men who profess hatred of other races – specifically the African American race – and they found a high correlation between penis size and white supremacist membership.

“Specifically, the penises of white supremacists are quite a bit smaller than normal penises,” says head researcher Dr. Victor Diswipah.

Diswipah says the study began as a way to prove or disprove physical differences between white supremacists and the general white population.

“Race is an issue for many people, but for a small percentage of people in each race, it’s a major issue,” says Diswipah. “Why, we wondered, did this small cadre of people make bigotry their passion? Why do they voluntarily devote weekend time to hating other people?”

Diswipah says that the study initially theorized that a tendency toward bigotry had something to do with the psyche of the individual – something within a person’s psychological profile that was eased or made better when they actively hated other races.

“But we had to rule out physical differences first,” says Diswipah. “If we proved that there was no real physical difference between white bigots and non-bigots, we could then focus intensely on their psychological profiles to really understand the phenomena.”

However, supremacists’ small penis size caught Diswipah and his fellow researchers “completely off guard,” according to second lead on the project, Dr. John Gramember.

Gramember says the group chose a penis-size baseline from earlier studies: an average 6 inches flaccid. But white supremacists had “maybe half that,” says Gramember. “Often less.”

He says the study’s “penis measurements were, by necessity, somewhat rough because they involved a bit of subterfuge. We had one of our bald researchers infiltrate a number of white supremacists groups – the Klan, skinheads, etc.,” says Gramember. “Our mole then determined average penis size by standing next to white supremacists at urinals, often in bars after several drinks so his ogling was less noticeable. While the supremacist urinated, our mole would lean over and take a photo with a camera placed inside his earring.”

Gramember says the penis measurements used in the study should be correct within a few centimeters. “We developed the pictures and compared the penis length to the distance between those little metal things in zippers,” he says. “The space between those is fairly standardized, and we feel our penis-size measurements are accurate within one centimeter.”

Do to the nature of the testing, Gramember said it was not possible to get erect penis measurements.

Is bigotry really penis envy then?

“That’s certainly a theory,” says Gramember. “Black men have always had mythically big penises, and we wondered more than once during this study if white supremacists were simply jealous and feeling inferior.”

“But we can’t say that with any certainty,” adds Diswipah. “Our study merely sought to look for common physical traits among supremacists. We may decide that this small-penis/big-hate connection deserves more attention going forward, but there’s nothing in this study that allows us to say anything definitive about it. And while the results may be extendable to other specific types of hate, such as gays, Jews or other non-Christian groups, our study was very specific to race and can’t be considered ‘proof’ of anything else.”

“If we gave each of these small-penis men a high-turbo sports car, would they be less inclined to hate blacks thinking that a big, powerful car makes up for tiny genitals?” asks Gramember. “We just don’t know.”

“But it’s worth asking the question,” adds Diswipah.

Note: It seems unnecessary to say this but probably isn’t: This is parody. Fake news. Pretend. Fiction. If it sounds true, it’s probably because you were kind of thinking it all along. And if it makes you angry and you want to hurt me, research suggests that there’s a 91.7% chance you have a small penis.

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